I had a hard day today. That’s not entirely true. For the most part I had a wonderful day. Sure, not everything went as planned, but it was certainly salvageable. And good company. The hard part was standing by and staying silent when I wanted to speak. I know it is right to allow other people to make their own decisions, even when you know they will impact you, but sometimes it is so hard. I don’t know when it is right for me to stay silent, and when it is right for me to speak up- so I go with my default and stay quiet. I am constantly surprised, though, by my capacity to absorb hurt and return tenderness. I used to be even better at it, I’d never divulge an ounce of displeasure- and though I do speak up now, sometimes, and with some people, I am still, for the most part, as pliant as anyone might wish. The truth is I would rather have love with someone I love than have anger, even if I am hurt or angry. I am trying so hard, so much harder than I could even use words to describe because I know this is only going to get worse, but it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy. It’s ripping my brain apart and turning me against myself. It’s hard to extract fear from reality. It’s hard to see things change under your feet just as you’ve earned your footing. It’s hard to know that things always change and for me, they are seldom for the better. And it’s really hard to be in a sad mood so often these days, never able to say what I truly feel. I want to get back to the girl whose heart was always happy, she had emerged just recently, but so fleetingly I am afraid I won’t be able to find her again.
I don’t want to hear about it any more. I love you, but I don’t want to hear about it any more.
Ever Virgin.
