Day 09 – Your best friend, in great detail

Best is a really difficult word.  What does it mean, in this context, really?  Does it mean “the most loyal” or “the most well-rounded” or “who I love the most” or “who I spend the most time with” or “who I have the best time with” or “who has known me the longest” or “who has hurt me the least” or “who has been there for me the most” or “who has treated me the best”?  Is it all of these things or none or a combination of some of them or is it a completely separate category made up of parts of all of them and counterbalanced against the flaws of other friends to come up with some kind of mathematical emotion equation?

I used to have a point blank answer to this question.  It was so simple.  I knew who my best friend was.  And even if time or circumstance changed who the actual person was, I could quickly and easily name them.  But things change.  People grow up.  People betray you. People lie to you.  People hurt you. People take things from you that aren’t theres. People choose other people over you.  People fall in love with you.  People fall out of love with you.  People aren’t careful with what they say.  People think of themselves first.  People are selfish. People gossip.  It makes evaluating who your best friend is a lot more difficult.

I suppose the answer to this question is that I have a lot of best friends and no best friend.  But I am going to go ahead and answer the question and describe my best friend in great detail, to the best of my ability.

My best friend loves me even though I have made many mistakes in my life.  My best friend cares for me even when the harm that has been done to me is of my own accord.  They carefully and considerately listen to me even when I tell the same story over and over again analyzing it to the last detail without complaining.  They offer me advice when I seem to need it, they offer me a laugh when they think it’s the right moment, and they don’t make fun of me when I cry over seemingly incomprehensible things.  My best friend is warm and generous, thinking of ways to give back to others even when financial considerations might get in the way.  They are beloved by their family, and complimented by their employers.  My best friend does not know everything about me, but they are patient.  They allow me the unique freedom to carefully share with them the difficult parts of my life, taking my hand if I need it, and placing my needs before their own.  My best friend drives me around when I am car-less.  Without complaint or the least bit of provocation, they have arrived at my door to take me to a place I want to go, or been waiting outside the station with my favorite CD already in the stereo.  I have traveled to many places with my best friend; we have seen and touched so many places around the globe- from the deciduous forest, to the wetlands, to the rain forest, to Main Street U.S.A. to the streets of St. Malo.  We have eaten pancakes at midnight, pizza on the floor, nachos with huge piles of sour cream and olives, beautiful 7 course meals on versace china, countless bowls of shabu shabu, endless cones of ice cream, and perfectly seasoned bowls of popcorn.  My best friend has given me countless gifts and none of the ones that matter can be held in my hands.  They have given me courage, love, humor, honesty, Love, wisdom, cold medicine, and perhaps most important of all: forgiveness.  I am so very blessed to know that I have loved and been loved by such a wonderful example of human compassion and generosity of spirit.  I work every day to be as good a friend as my best friend has been to me, and though I am certain I will never be worthy, I will at least be grateful to have been so lucky.

Twenty Ten

It’s 2010.  I couldn’t let this first day of the new year go by without some sort of acknowledgment that I am indeed alive, and thriving, despite what accounts you may have heard to the contrary.

2009 was a tough year.  I gained and lost a number of people I consider dear to me due to as vast an array of circumstances as there are spots on a leopard- that is to say they are all different and yet maintain a somewhat similar look and feel.  I had a lot of plans in my head for the year that has past me by, and we all do- but the vast and inky pool of hurt that I swam through to get through this day, this 2010, is very difficult to scrub clean.  I am ever surprised by the massive capacity of the human heart to endure pain and ills.  I have had worse inflicted upon me, worse by scores, worse beyond anything 2009 wanted to try to throw my way, but at the age I am now, and the place I am, knowing the people I know now, living where I do and seeing what I’ve seen, I can honestly say there have been nights when I wondered how it was possible that I would ever be able to get up again.  As emo as that sounds, and boy does it ever, it isn’t to acquire pity or even sympathy that I write it- more to inquire as to how other people stand up again after crippling sadness.

I’ll admit that my heart was greatly lifted when I was able to welcome a dear friend back in to my life- and in that welcoming was healed from a lot of sadness.  But as I was able to keep one dear friend close to me, I have ever felt the slow and steady slide of other dear friends slipping away.  It is right and natural to cycle through relationships, holding some near, letting others grow farther- but it has been really painful to discover at last, despite how much I tried to fight against it, there are friends that I love who just don’t care about me enough to make the effort to be a part of my regular life.  Even if they say that they do.  And that has to be okay.  It hurts, but it has to be okay.  I have to let them go, and I have to remind myself that they are not going to come flying back to me the way that stories often say they will.  They are gone, and they don’t love me with the depth and attention that I demand and deserve.

While debt is stressful and crippling in an entirely different way, I think it is something that we all will spend the remainder of our lives dealing with- that only a very small fraction of people in the world can life a life free of debt and liberated from the constant nagging that nothing is ever truly yours.  Because of this commonality of man, I have found my debt to be less stressful and less taxing in my waking hours than other pains and ills.  Only in the wee hours of the morning does it haunt me and keep me awake with its sinister kisses.

And though 2009 has brought me pain, it has also brought me joy- joys I have shared before in pictures and words- gratitudes beyond measure, enough even, to make up for all that the year has lacked.  So instead of going to sleep tonight reflecting on the things I want to leave behind about last year, I am going to instead embrace those things that made my life worth living- my family, my very dedicated friends (who have proven themselves again and again and again.  I love you), my beloved pets, my experiences at work, creatively, and theatrically, and my real affirmation of faith.

Goodnight, old life.  Tomorrow I’ll try again.

Lux Et Spes

Wow. I cannot believe it has been five years since Stonehill graduation. I just got home from an evening spent with friends walking around campus, seeing what has changed and what has not. I’ve created a little picture montage of our afternoon and evening for your enjoyment:

Jenna, Aaron and I sneak into the dark room! This was taken in the pitch blackness!

Jenna and I in the dark room! Blurry because its so dark in there!

I got an A in photo class because I was so good at setting the timer I am pointing to here.

So, then we snuck over to the piano lab. Here is a picture of me on the very piano I sat at in class. This is the face I used to make.

Here is my C+ piano! Poor thing, it deserved better than me.

We met up with John and a very pregnant Erin!

and Meg and a very pregnant Gretchen!

We enjoyed a yummy buffet of cake and bread and steak tips.

After dinner we decided to take a walk and found a trailer park in the parking lot behind O’Hara hall.

I visited my old freshman year dorm room!

John, Erin, Jenna and Aaron demonstrate that their is no longer a road in front of O’Hara. Behind them is the amazing new science building.

We visit the Grotto.

Meanwhile, back at the mixer, the love of my life arrives (he biked all the way from Stoughton!)

We were very happy to be reunited.

All in all I had a wonderful time and wish I could have stayed so much longer! I love Stonehill so much and I will never forget all the amazing people that I met there. I am so lucky!

Ever Virgin.

Hunger, love, pain, fear are some of those inner forces which rule the individual's instinct for self preservation.~ Albert Einstein

Dear Self,

I don’t want to fight with you anymore.  We’ve been at it for years, you and I.  It is a constant struggle and I am so tired of struggling.  We go through these phases, hating each other venomously, keeping ourselves up at night crying and huddled in a little ball, wishing and hoping for some sort of relief, praying over and over again the same desperate plea, “help me…help me…help me…”  We wade through the madness of this life in a constant state of tension, never feeling good enough, never feeling smart enough, never feeling pretty enough, just wanting to find some way of feeling safe and secure.  We hurt each other.
No one, no one living, no one dead, has ever said the sort of vile, hurtful things that I allow myself to say to you.  I would never speak to anyone, no matter how much I hated them, the way I speak to you.  And I don’t hate you.  I love you.  Through it all, I love you and I know how truly Good you are.  It is so painful to go through this life.  We are facing catastrophic struggles, struggles that are beyond even our comprehension, and yet we do it, you and I- we climb every hill with strength and fortitude, pushing mountains of love in every direction, throwing adoration and awe wherever we can and never saving even a little bit of it for us.
I’m so sorry.  I am sorry that I do this to you.  I am sorry that I cannot, on my own, give you what you need to feel worthy of love.  I am sorry that I make you feel like you are not good enough, because you are.  I am saying it right here and right now, in front of any witness that comes our way: you ARE good enough.  You ARE worthy of love, of attention, of good friends, of a life that is safe, and happy, and fun.  You are a good person.  You work hard.  You are smart.  I applaud you for working through your struggles, I caress you inside and outside for every moment you feel lonely and lost.  You are okay.  Until the time comes when you can find someone who wants to share the unique, beautiful, faithful person that you are, I will love you enough for the both of us.  It is time to stop this war.  It is time to take what you used to be, and make it better- I will help you.  I will be here.  I will love you enough and you don’t have to give me anything in return.  You don’t owe me anything.  I love you because you are a perfect creation of God just as you are.  I love you because you are capable of giving of yourself when you have nothing to give.  I love you because you are good enough.
If you need to cry, then cry, I am here.  Don’t stop yourself, don’t see it as a sign of weakness, don’t hurt yourself any more.  Let the tears fall and don’t blame yourself for not being strong enough.  If you are sad, be sad, the sadness will pass and I will still be here, by your side, constantly devoted.  When you are happy, don’t try to hold onto it so tightly, always in fear that you will forget what it feels like in the cold hours of the night, because I will remember it and I will remind you, and I will keep reminding you forever and ever.  The time has come for us to be united.  The time has come for us to give up this fight.  Trust me now, because I will not let you down.  I promise.

Love,
Me